So I have been really struggling of late, the dwp have decided my FASD doesn’t count for anything and stopped my money, they know I volunteer through FASD Devon & Cornwall, but that has taken a backseat recently due to my mum being very unwell with parkinsons and lewy bodies dementia, and she deteriorating very fast, she lives a few hundred miles away which makes it even harder.
My self esteem has dropped drastically and I find myself sleeping alot, and a many days are spent shut away because right now my reality sucks, my anxiety and depression are at a very high level, and many days I am struggling to get out of the house. My mum was always my rock, she would be the one I go to for support, and now I have to do my best to support her. I am finding it hard to go to others for support, friendships a seeming to fade, and I find I have become a recluse and rejecting people, I feel if I open up to others I then become a burden to them. I also feel safer if I keep myself closed off from everyone, to many times have I trusted and got close to people and it has turned out badly and used against me, so i feel the safest way is not to talk, and to push everyone away. I doubt people when I hear them say things like ‘I care’ or ‘I’m thinking of you’ I guess I have become so used to things like that being said to me from a young age and it not being true, I don’t believe it from anyone anymore.
I know my head is not in the best place right now, and knowing my mum is not going to get better is the worst part, I know a day will come when she will forget who I am. Or what I look like, and that is a horrible thought, but a lot of it is also fearing the unknown, when will that day come, what will tomorrow bring, will it be a good day or bad day, all these things I wish I could prepare myself for, it is so hard to see this strong independent loving woman that saved my life struggle so much and fade before me. That is truly heartbreaking, and I wish I could take all her fear, pain and worry away. But I can’t, Dementia is a cruel disease.
Sorry not such a happy blog today, I’m finding life very hard at the moment. How do you deal with losing someone before they go, that’s how I feel.